Pain is the Pathway to Progress

One day while at the park with my two sons, I was talking with my mom on the phone, relating some of my recent frustrations with life. After a period of whining, she taught me something I will never forget: “Pain is the pathway to progress,” she said to me.  Those words stung, but they rang true. As much as I dislike it when things get tough, it has always been in those times of trial that I’ve learned and grown the most. This is especially true when I think of the growth, change, and even joy that have come as a result of my parents and family working to heal and recover from my father’s sexual addiction.  A beautiful gift came to my family through that process, but it came in an ugly package.  It wouldn’t be possible for me to articulate all the blessings that resulted from our road to recovery, but I will attempt to share a few here.

First, I have witnessed firsthand the deep love and mercy that God has for his children. In watching my father’s transformation, I learned that the Savior’s Atonement reaches farther and deeper than I ever thought possible. Sometimes I don’t think we adequately understand what a perfect and infinite Atonement means.  I have heard many people say that recovery from sexual addiction isn’t possible.  In saying so, they are denying the redemptive power of Christ’s sacrifice. With exception to the shedding of innocent blood and the denying of the Holy Ghost, the Lord has said that all who come unto him with a broken heart and contrite spirit will be forgiven. There are many people who choose not to partake of this gift – God will force nothing upon us. But if we sincerely want to change and we trust in the Lord, He will guide us to a path of healing and forgiveness. I have seen this in the lives of many people, but none more so than my own father.

Having a clearer understanding of the supreme power of the Atonement to change and heal also helps me to be kinder to myself. I know that I have a tendency to forget God in my own process of “becoming” – thinking that to become like Him, it is solely up to me. Christ did command us to be perfect, but he never said we were meant to achieve perfection now or by ourselves. If you feel guilty about your inability to be perfect right here and now, that’s not the Spirit talking – that’s Satan. Christ’s Atonement is there to not only provide forgiveness when we’ve sinned, but to strengthen and empower us to become the loving, courageous, humble, self-sacrificing people that the Gospel teaches us to be. While we must choose to walk that path, the Lord’s Atonement gives us the strength to continue onward. And when we screw up and take a step or two off the path, the Atonement provides a way back.

I’ve learned that God has a plan for each of us and that we must trust in his timing. My dad struggled with addiction for decades. There were times when we wondered if and when real change would come in his life. It took years, but it did. When I look around at friends and loved ones who are struggling in one way or another, I now have faith that in time, they will come to themselves and choose to come back into the fold. And honestly, we are all a work in progress. I’m grateful for the time we’ve all been given to learn and to become. Our time here on earth and our ability to choose, good or evil, is some of the greatest evidence of just how much God loves us.

There is so much more I could say, but I’ll conclude. Pain truly is the pathway to progress. So when you’re confronted with a challenge, perhaps addiction, trust in the Lord and allow yourself to be tutored through the experience. The lessons you’ll learn on the journey could prove to be among life’s greatest blessings.

Stop It!

                                 Before proceeding, please watch this hilarious clip titled STOP IT!

Sometimes I think this is how we want to react to addicts. We want to tell them to just STOP IT! Surely their drug of choice, whether it be cocaine, alcohol or pornography, isn't more important than their job, their marriage, their family. But in many instances you'll find that an addict won't and can't quit their habit even when they are on the brink of losing everything. This isn't merely a willpower issue. In the book The Brain That Changes Itself, Dr. Norman Doidge, a neurologist at Columbia, shares how pornography causes a rewiring of the neural circuits. The brain center that controls impulsiveness becomes supercharged, and the brain center for willpower shrinks. The addicted individual has literally become enslaved by the drug to the point that their ability to choose has been diminished. Therefore, as much as we wish an addict could just stop, no amount of quiet white-knuckling can break those bonds. Those entangled in the chains of addiction must find qualified help and support to overcome their challenge.

Reaching out for help is difficult on many levels for both the addict and the afflicted family members. There is so much shame connected to addiction, especially sexual and porn addiction, and often causes feelings of isolation and helplessness. And very often we find that those who are struggling quietly with this problem are seemingly good and upstanding members of our church and community, making "coming out" that much more difficult. But continuing to hide and diminish the problem only continues to fan the flame of addiction. Addiction feeds off of secrecy and shame. Healing and recovery can only come when the problem is brought into the daylight. I am not suggesting that you air your dirty laundry to the world. On the contrary. It is imperative that both the addict and the afflicted choose a small circle of healthy individuals that they can trust and rely upon to share this information with such as as a bishop, a parent, a sibling, and/or a close friend. This support system will sustain and navigate you through the healing process.

In addition to this support system, finding a qualified therapist and 12-Step recovery program is vital. There is a big difference between repentance and recovery. Your bishop is there to help facilitate the repentance and healing process. Recovery, however, requires support and education from those who understand the nature of addiction and the tools to break free of it. A therapist and 12-Step group will also provide accountability for the addict which is so crucial in the changing process.

Expecting an addicted friend or loved one to just STOP IT is as absurd as demanding that of a woman who struggles with bulimia and claustrophobia. But if you or someone you love is addicted, there is hope and healing available. You just have to START making the right steps toward the path of recovery.

For more information on the importance of 12-Step Programs and how to find a qualified therapist, see this helpful manual Understanding Pornography and Sexual Addiction.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Picture this: You’re waiting in line at the grocery store check-out and in boredom your eyes settle on a magazine with a bold headline reading Celebrity Break-Ups Revealed  - or something like that. This isn’t unusual. We frequently hear about high-profile relationships crumbling in the media. Sometimes the couple has been together for months or years, they are married on unmarried, but for whatever reason, the relationship has gone south.  Interestingly, only weeks later, you often see those same names appear in the headlines reporting that they are in yet another torrid relationship with Hollywood hotty so-and-so. I believe Hollywood is an extreme example of what is happening on a smaller scale in our society which is that we’re suffering from an epidemic of loveless relationships based on lust and the unreal.

We have been so inundated with hyper-sexualized, counterfeit–love messages from the media that we’re adopting an entirely skewed perception of what true love looks and feels like. The world’s version of so-called love starts with butterflies, magical first kisses, and everything hormonal.  True love does and ought to include that attraction. But happily-ever-after love can only be sustained through the apparently un-sexy: service, commitment, responsibility, and virtue. The funny thing is we very rarely see these qualities portrayed in the media of our day. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Instead, we are being fed a steady diet of images and ideas that display not loving relationships, but lusting relationships. Many of these messages are being delivering through the tantalizing medium of pornography.

Pornography is at its core any material that is meant to be sexually arousing. Pornography comes in many forms and can be found in pictures, movies, literature, video games, music, and chat rooms. Men are more visual by nature so pornography in movies and on the internet is more alluring to the male population.  Women, on the other hand, are pulled in by chat rooms and pornographic literature. Regardless of the form, pornography takes that which is beautiful and sacred - the human body and sexual intimacy – and twists them into things only to be used and abused for one’s own selfish appetites. The truth is we’ve been hard wired to respond to this stuff.  Like a drug, we experience a “high” as we consume pornography. But this temporary euphoria comes with a high price. Because pornography is only a fake substitute for the real thing, it leaves us feeling emptier and hungrier than before. Worse yet, it stunts our ability to recognize the real thing and damages our ability to truly love and be loved. Dallin H. Oaks said, “Pornography is…addicting. It impairs decision making capacities and it ‘hooks’ its users, drawing them back obsessively for more and more. Pornography impairs one’s ability to enjoy a normal emotional, romantic, and spiritual relationship with a person of the opposite sex" (Pornography, Ensign, May 2005, p 87). I believe pornography is at the root of why so many people are jumping from one relationship to another – they have been brainwashed. They think they will find that “special something” in the next relationship only to eventually find themselves falling out of love (or lust) once the novelty rubs off. 

So what can we do to help abate this growing epidemic?

1.       Start with you: Decide today to reject this love-killing propaganda. Don’t watch anything, listen to anything, look at anything that glorifies the lusting relationship. There is plenty of good, entertaining media available that doesn’t contain sexual or pornographic material.  Doing so will help you develop and maintain a healthy perception of what true love is and what it isn’t.

2.       Love at home: Home is the best place to teach and exemplify real love. Start with appropriate, uplifting music and other media. Get rid of that stack of racy dvd’s or steamy novels. Contrary to popular opinion, if it ain’t good for the kiddies, it probably ain’t so great for you either. Teach your children through word and deed about the sacredness of the marital relationship. Treating your spouse with love and respect and displaying affection is a wonderful way to do this. Above all, be virtuous in that relationship. This is paramount! Through your example, your children will recognize what real love is and reject the counterfeit version. They will know the difference because they will have seen it watching you and your spouse.

3.       Let your voice be heard: I’ve heard of women calling their local grocer and asking for covers to be placed over scantily clad models in magazines. I love this! We must do what we can to be a voice for decency in our neighborhoods and communities. One voice can make a difference so speak out!

I am still a believer in happily-ever-afters. Such a relationship also comes with a price, but with steady effort, we will experience a feeling of wholeness and contentment that is only available to those who love and practice virtue. "...Bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love." (Alma 38:12) As we stay away from pornography and fill our lives with that which is virtuous and lovely, true love can be ours. 

Remembering

Do you ever think to yourself, “WHY do I keep doing this?  I know what the Lord expects of me, I know what I expect of myself??” but regardless of what we know in our heads sometimes it has a hard time getting through to our hearts. 

I find myself wondering these things.  Frequently.  This hasn’t always been the case.  2 short years ago my world was gone.  Ravaged by my husbands addiction to prescription pain meds and my addiction to trying to fix him.  We found ourselves in an LDS 12 Step meeting, the Spirit spoke to me and it spoke to him.  After 10 years of running into the same brick wall we were shown that there was a door, a way out of this dark place.  The answer seemed so simple.  Jesus Christ.  Could he really change us into a functioning family free from addiction?

He did.  He changed us into something so far beyond our preconceived notion of what we thought would make us happy.  He made us more than happy, he made us joyful and grateful.  We are beyond blessed.

So why this post?

To be honest I am struggling with humility.  Not the type of humility that makes me think I am better than other people, the type of humility that I turn to myself before I turn to the Lord. 

The Book of Mormon talks about receiving humility in 2 different ways.  The first is being compelled to be humble.  In my mind this is connected with something along the magnitude of Courtney’s addiction.   Scary and hard, out of my control and painful.   The second option that we have is choosing to be humble,  gratefully recognizing our complete dependence on the Savior.  The second brings less pain and more joy.  So why is it so hard to do?

As I was pondering this in church one day the answer came to me.  The answer, the difference in option 1 and option 2 is Remembrance.

When I remember where I have been, what I have gone through and the heartache that I felt.  When I remember the many miracles and tender mercies that my loving Father In Heaven has blessed me with.  When I remember my Savior, his Atonement that has taken all the pain out of my life that I once felt, his patience and never ending love that he gives me.  When I rejoice because of the Grace that has changed me, and remember that His hand is stretched out STILL.

Its not so hard to turn my life over to him completely, when I Remember.

Let's Start At the Very Beginning

One of the biggest concerns around the topic of pornography surrounds children and how to prevent them from being exposed. Well, I have news for you – you can’t! The sooner you realize this as a parent, the more empowered you’ll be to prepare your children to fight this onslaught of immorality.

Now, let’s back up a little. Yes, there are practical measures you can take like getting computer filters and keeping your computer in high-traffic areas in your home that can and do help. But reality is that your child  will eventually be exposed to pornography. Pornography is so rampant in our society that you’d essentially have to live in a cave to avoid it. So the key isn’t so much prevention as it is education and giving them the environment and tools to deal with it. But when do you start and where to you begin?

One of the best things you can do is to start teaching your children healthy sexuality from a young age – like 3 and 4 years old. I know that might sound scary, but keep in mind – this information needs to be age appropriate. Children as young as 3 can and should be taught about their bodies (e.g. teaching them the correct anatomical names like penis and vagina, etc.). They should be taught that their bodies are special creations and gifts from our Heavenly Father and that they should respect and care for their body as well as respect other people’s bodies. Teaching them these basic principles will provide a foundation that you can build upon.  It is also important that our children learn from a young age not to be ashamed of their bodies. As parents, being embarrassed about correctly labeling body parts or silencing or criticizing a child for being curious about his or her body or your body (you know, like the classic “Mom, what are those?” comment and they are pointing at your breasts) teaches our children to be ashamed of something that was never meant to be shameful. In such cases, answering their question in an age-appropriate, calm manner will help them learn that our bodies are wonderful and beautiful and that no question is off-limits. Such openness and honesty will then foster open and honest communication as they grow. Open, honest dialogue about these topics means that you can be the teacher of your child about sex and sexuality, not the locker room at school or the TV. That is priceless.

As children grow older, it becomes that much more important to be proactive and intentional about teaching healthy sexuality, what pornography is, and why and how we avoid it. We also have to talk about what to do when we see or read it. Hopefully they have learned from previous experience that they can discuss anything with you without being shamed or criticized. But because teenagers don’t often incite such discussions, it’s important that you CREATE a space to discuss these topics. Some perfect settings are Family Home Evening, family councils, or one-on-one check-ins with Mom and/or Dad. The old “if we don’t talk about it, they won’t be curious” approach just doesn’t (and frankly never did) work. The worst thing you can do for your child in this instance is to be silent. So TALK ABOUT IT! Even if your child is embarrassed or tries to avoid it, TALK ABOUT IT! And don’t be afraid to use words like sex, masturbation, and whatever else you think needs to be discussed.

Finally, if your son or daughter approach you and tell you that they’ve: a) Just happened upon pornography and they want to talk about it b) Have been seeking out pornography and they want to confess OR c) You discover they have been or are looking at pornography, PLEASE DON’T FREAK OUT! Sometimes we think that if we rant and rave, then they’ll know how bad and inappropriate it is; that flying off the handle will make them never want to look at it again. WRONG! What it WILL do is make them feel ashamed – like they are sick, bad people. Chances are you won’t ever see it or hear about it again. Why? Because they will do it in secret. And that, my friends, is where the cycle of addiction begins. But that is another blog post entirely.

One of my favorite scriptures found in the Doctrine & Covenants states, “If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear.” If we vigilantly prepare and teach our children about virtue and moral purity, just like the stripling warriors, when they go off to war, we can trust that they will be protected and that they will make good choices in the heat of battle.

For sample lessons to teach your children, go to http://salifeline.org/understanding_pornography_free_download/ where you can download a free copy of Understanding Pornography and Sexual Addiction – A Resource for Parents and Leaders. Then go to Section 7 for sample lessons.  

Be Not Afraid

When you hear the words ‘pornography’ or ‘sexual addiction’, how does it make you feel? Sad? Angry? Disgusted? Afraid? Pornography and sexual addiction are buzz words in our LDS culture. We don’t want to discuss them and feel a lot of discomfort when we do. As a result, we generally avoid the subject – preferring to keep our heads in the sand instead of turn and face the foe that is destroying marriages and families at an alarming rate. But just so we’re on the same page, let me give you an idea of what we’re up against.

-The estimated age that a child first sees online pornography is 9.

-9 out of 10 children between the ages of 8 and 16 have viewed pornography on the internet, in most cases unintentionally.

-Some 34 million unique users (23% of all internet users) visit pornography websites and view an average of 239 pornographic web pages a day.

-Some 83% of youth watch pornography at home.

-Nearly 9 out of 10 (87%) young men and nearly one third (31%) of young women report viewing pornography.

(See Understanding Pornography and Sexual Addiction, A Resource for Parents and Leaders p. 36 for sources.)

What explains these numbers? Most know that viewing pornography is harmful. But the pull of addiction is stronger than reason for many that have been entangled in its tentacles. Pornography has been called the “new drug” because our brains respond to pornography in a similar way as it does a drug. Drugs cause the brain to release pleasure hormones into the system which is what makes something like heroine or meth addictive. Pornography stimulates the same pleasure centers that a drug stimulates.  And just like a drug, pornography is often used by the addict to medicate and escape when they are feeling low. Like drug addiction, pornography addiction is also progressive. A heroine user cannot get the same high he got the first time he did heroine. With every use, the user must increase the dosage to get the same high they did from the previous use. Likewise, someone involved in pornography cannot get the same high he got when he first began to view it. Over time, the addict seeks progressively harder core pornography and, if unchecked, may move on to acting out behaviors they have viewed (prostitution, adultery, etc.)

I think we sometimes imagine the shirtless man in the basement nursing his beer as the kind of person who seeks out and regularly views pornography. That would be very inaccurate. Upstanding and successful youth and adults that you know personally - your father, your brother, your friend, your neighbor, your child -  is very likely to be among the masses of people within the church who struggle with pornography or sexual addiction. 

Yes, this is a daunting picture. We are battling a Goliath that appears in many cases to be unbeatable. But I don’t share these facts and figures to strike fear into your heart. On the contrary. My message to you is one of hope and in Jesus’ words to "be not afraid”. Fear is one of the greatest tools the adversary uses against us.  When fear rules, it paralyzes us and keeps us from finding and using the tools that would free us from pain and sin. What are some things we can do to shake off the fear that looms around this topic?

1. Move from denial to acceptance: The first step to change is recognition of the problem. Until we can come to terms with reality, finding a solution is impossible and the problem not only remains, it grows larger.  Pornography and sexual addiction are real issues impacting many people we love. As we accept this, we are then empowered to begin to find tools and solutions.

2. Start talking: As uncomfortable as it might feel, bringing this subject out of the darkness and into the light will take a lot of the fear and shame out of it. Avoidance of the subject only fans the flame of fear and shame – keeping those who are struggling in hiding.  So just start talking. And be careful of the words you use when discussing this topic. Yes, this behavior is wrong, but when we choose to connect words to it like perverted, disgusting, twisted – people challenged with this issue will feel that much more ashamed and be less likely to reach out for help.

3. Educate yourself: Begin to understand the nature of pornography and sexual addiction and what feeds it. There are many resources available to give you insight into this issue that will help you both prevent major problems from forming as well as how to help struggling addicts and afflicted friends or family. (See our resources page.)

4. Get qualified support: If you are currently struggling with pornography or sexual addiction as an addict or as an afflicted family member of an addict, you need help. You cannot find recovery on your own. Healing will come with education and support from qualified therapists, support groups, and church leaders.

5.Believe Christ:  Much of the fear around this topic stems from the myth that if we or someone we love goes down this path of addiction, all is lost. This is Satan’s favorite lie. The Savior himself said, "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow.” – Isaiah 1:18. We can have hope and courage because the Savior has overcome the world by performing a perfect Atonement. As Elder Holland put it so eloquently this past conference, "It is not possible for you to sink lower than the light of Christ’s infinite atonement shines.” I know this to be true. I have witnessed it in the life of my own father who struggled with sexual addiction for decades. The Atonement works. As we believe Christ and go to Him with humility and a broken heart, he can and will heal us.

Be not afraid! The Lord knew what we would be against in these last days. There is hope. There is help. Reach out, look up and everything can be okay.

Sometimes All You Can Do Is Share Your Story

Powerlessness the the one word that defines addiction perfectly.  When I see people in complete pain from their addiction of the addiction of a loved one it breaks my heart.  I want to hug them and tell them exctly what they should do to begin healing,  I want to take the fear and agony and loneliness out of their eyes. But you just cant do that.  Only the Savior can truly take that pain away. Sometimes all you can do is share your story.

Having once lived entirely in the dark world of hopelessness and having been pulled out by the grace of Jesus Christ I wanted to shout “YES!” from the rooftops when Elder Jeffery R. Holland shared this in April 2012 General Conference:

“However late you think you are. However many chances you've think you've missed.
However many mistakes you think you've made, or talents you think you don't have.  No matter how much distance from home, and family, and God you think you have travelled. I testify that you have not travelled beyond the reach of divine love.  It is not possible for you to sink lower than the light of Christ’s infinite atonement shines.”

No one is too far gone that Christ cannot save them, change them, and make them whole again.  That is my story.